Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house My whole God-damned family was drunk as a louse My mother in a whorehouse and my father in jail I'd just settled down for a good piece of tail When up on the roof there arose such a clatter I jumped off of my sister to see what was the matter And what to my train-tunnel eyes should appear But a miniature Volkswagon and eight f**ked-up reindeer The tiny old driver was so ugly and thick I knew in an instant he must be Saint Prick He flew down the chimney like a bat out of Hell I knew in a second the bastard had fell He stuffed all the stockings with cigarettes and beer And a large rubber dildo for my brother the queer Jumped back in his car stuck a finger up his nose flipped me the bird and away he arose And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight "F**k you all!! It's been one Hell of a night!!"